I used to feel really scared about telling my mom and dad. I used to worry about anything that might get me into trouble, because I thought they would punish me for it, and that scared me even more! So sometimes, I would keep things to myself even if I really wanted to share them with my parents.
As a parent in Somalia, Aisha knew all too well the cycle of punishment that had been passed down from generation to generation. Just like most children in the region, Aisha grew up in a household where spanking and scolding were the norm, and it was the only way she knew how to discipline her own children. But after years of seeing her children cower in fear and struggle with their self-esteem, Aisha knew she needed to make a change.
“I thought spanking and scolding were the only way to discipline my children. It's how I was raised and what I saw all around me,” said Aisha, who is a mother of eight children living in Puntland. She often resolved to physical punishment to discipline her children. Like Aisha, most parents in Somalia believe that it is the only way to teach children right from the wrong and to prevent them from engaging in harmful or dangerous behavior.
Ahmed, a father raising four children - two of his own and two nephews - expressed how he firmly believed that punishment and tough tone were the key to correct parenting style. He explained, “as a Somali, our culture has always considered children not wise enough to figure out right from wrong, so unless they are guided firmly or punished, they won’t learn. And on the other hand, as a parent, we model raising our kids on how we were raised and how everyone in our surrounding environment is raising theirs, so roughing children up to set them on the right path have been what we’ve always known as a community.”
Physical punishment is also prevalent for teachers. Shukri, a mother and primary school teacher, said that she sometimes resorted to verbal punishment to discipline her children as well as students when they misbehaved. She stated, "as a teacher, I used to punish my students verbally when they misbehaved, thinking that it would teach them a lesson. It is very common for teachers and parents to do that, and it did not seem it would have much influence on children’s long-term physical and mental wellbeing."
As a result of this parenting style, children tend to fear their parents or caregivers and are not able to share their worries, experiences, and concerns with them. However, Save the Children is implementing training programme that aims to prevent children from experiencing physical and humiliating punishment in the home— the training programme is known as The Parenting without Violence (PwV) common approach and is part of series of approaches that Save the Children uses to advances children’s rights. Through its implementation, fathers, mothers and caregivers gain increased understanding of child development, child rights, and positive parenting; partner and parent-child relationships are strengthened based on principles of non-violence, non-discrimination, and gender equality; and girls and boys are empowered to express their views and feelings in the home, and to seek help when they feel unsafe.
Sharmake, a young boy who attended the trainings, shared how he did not feel encouraged to tell his parents about his problems because of the fear of being punished. “I used to feel really scared about telling my mom and dad. I used to worry about anything that might get me into trouble, because I thought they would punish me for it, and that scared me even more! So sometimes, I would keep things to myself even if I really wanted to share them with my parents,” Sharmake remarked.
Parents were also noticing the result of their parenting style, Ahmed acknowledged how his children started to prefer spending all their free time away from their home to avoid being punished or scolded, “when punishment and harsh words were my only solution whenever my children did something wrong, it made them fear me and they would spend hours away from home to avoid me or spite me. And I would get mad at them again. It was a vicious and tiring cycle we had.”
But with the introduction of the parenting without violence approach at community level, children like Sharmake are no longer worried about physical punishment and prevalence of physical and humiliating punishment has significantly decreased in their community.
Ahmed attended group sessions organized for fathers, mothers and caregivers in the community to help increase their knowledge about children's rights and positive parenting. Participants become more aware of the importance of giving children a voice in family decision-making processes.
“During the training, we learned that children are capable of recognizing right from wrong and gently directing them towards good or positive behaviors is a core principle of parenting. We learned that involving them in decisions that affect their life and treating them like an equal rather than a subordinate could make a big difference to how they behave,” he explained.
"I realized that how I was parenting my children was not the right approach; now, I use positive reinforcement and praise them for their good behavior. I also involve them in decision-making, which has made them more responsible and respectful towards others. I have noticed a significant change in their behavior, and they are more engaged and motivated in learning."
Since the introduction of the programme, the program has induced tangible behavioral changes towards positive parenting and helped to create a better understanding of the concept of positive parenting and its benefits.
Ahmed acknowledged that the workshops had transformed his children’s behavior and their relationship for the better. He stated, “now, my children regard me as a friend and not just a father who uses harsh words as a weapon. They seek my advice on even the smallest matters. They share their daily experiences with me. And I teach them by example. I model the behaviors I want them to adopt. I read to show them the value of reading. I speak to them politely, so they reciprocate. I pray on time, and they join me. And they enjoy my company,” he added. “I try to boost their confidence by praising them when they do something right. And I tell them stories of my childhood to establish a bond and empathize with them.”
Aisha agrees that the knowledge and information that she received by attending the programme sessions have changed her behavior toward her children.
"After attending the workshops and raising awareness, I realized that there are better ways to discipline children without resorting to violence. Now, I use positive reinforcement and open communication to correct their behavior, and I have noticed a significant change in it. They are more confident, happy, and respectful towards me, themselves and others," Aisha says.
The positive change in Aisha’s behavior toward her children has benefited Anisa, her eight-year-old daughter. Anisa has noticed a big difference in the way both her teacher, Shukri, and her mother, Aisha, treat her.
“My teachers and parents don’t hit me. They take care of us nicely. My mom is really kind to me.”
